♫

I l.o.v.e. spending time w/ those whom I can be completely myself. There's so much freedom and joy when I'm embraced by their presence b/c there's no pressure to be reserved. There are those few special friends that I connect w/ who allow me to be sooo freeeeeee and at ease.

On another note, music is one sure thing that puts me at ease. It enraptures me and carries me into a new world where I'm at center stage spinning in delightful rounds as music notes bounce off of my aura. My heart smiles, dances, smiles and dances; I can't see myself w/o it.

♫

Ask the right questions

I've been on a mindful and long questioning period trying to figure out how I wanted to plan my future. It was frightful b/c I didn't want to take the "wrong" step; then, I learned that there is no wrong step, since I'd gain experience as is anyway. I wouldn't lose out on anything because I'd actually gain what I hadn't thought to. (Positive outlook! *thumbs up*) I came across this statement that turned on my light bulb:

Don't ask "what do I do?" rather, ask "what am I good at?"

It's always been a matter of me wanting to successfully make it into the work force that made me concentrate solely on the former. I've asked myself the latter question and hadn't responded well b/c I truly didn't have anything I was good at-- until recently.

I also came across a Buddhist proverb that sums up my past two months: "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear."

Deck of Cards

Beauty and Fashion! I adore simplicity and how small details such as one's hair, make-up, and accessories complete an outfit. There's so much variety in styles and color we can opt for!

Wwwork it out!
B&F

Happy is...

Photoshop

My head went into a frenzy when I stumbled across someone's blog. The blogger is a self-professed camera whore. I don't blame her, though, because she looks like such a doll! So fricken youthful w/ bright pink, doll-like blush, hugely enhanced eyes (contacts), doll-like hair and make-up. I was SO impressed and in awe! She was so cute!!! Then, of course, social media outlets lead me to her other site and goddamn, my eyes popped out and I kept my eyes glued to the screen. "THAT'S HER, TOO??? No..... can't be. She doesn't look like that.... kind of. Is that REALLY her??? She has the same hair, her makeup style is the same.... But she looked so cute in her pictures!!!!!"

Ya, you guessed it. Her pictures were edited on Photoshop and the end results were astonishing!!! The latter site I visited posted her videos (!!!) and the differences between her pics and vids were soooo obvious. Yowza. She edited her face and body so much I couldn't tell she was the same person in her videos. It took me a good few minutes to analyze and process what I was seeing. Pretty awful! I haven't gotten over how ballsy she is to fix up her pictures like that. She also had plastic surgery done and oh my gawd, she looked so much younger pre-opt. ASDLFKAJSF

YOWZA!

I thought I was in for a treat only to realize it was fake! So many pictures (through social media, magazines, etc) are edited so the person in the photo looks manufactured. I should have known better! but her photoshop skills are crazy!! It's crazy how entranced we are by the pictures we see on the web or magazines. Yes, I've fallen for them as well. They're not 100% natural/ real unless otherwise stated (ie. Kim Kardashian, Jessica Simpson). It's such an unhealthy habit for us to obsess over how beautiful celebs look when their published pictures are almost always edited and transformed. What's the percentage of you meeting them in person to confirm their size, "slenderness," "perfect arms, legs, abs," etc? We're all fooled so we would obsess over them to support their career, don't you think? They capture our attention by making their stars look flawless, but who the hell is w/o flaws???

Don't obsess over what you see on the 'net (esp. celebs, models and some bloggers(!)). Majority of the time their features are edited and literally enhanced! Don't be down on yourself because you don't look anything like they do. They don't even look like themselves, so how can you possibly be down about yourself when what you obsess over is fake and unrealistic?

Work it out,
Natural

Celebrity gossip

I am so sick of hearing about LiLo and Speidi! They're insanely ridiculous and should consider relocating outside of LA. Their crazy antics are sure signs they're troubled by fame and stardom. None of them have it! Why can't they understand that and move on? Certainly they have the money to invest their time elsewhere. So much media cover them that they're bad representations for young women (ie. SERIOUS BODY, SELF-ESTEEM, AND SELF-WORTH ISSUES). Outsiders looking in see that they're destroying their lives by seeking sooooo much attention. Go to rehab and get out of LA. Learn to love yourself and stop treating yourselves so badly!!

I read celeb gossip partially b/c certain celebs' success stories and achievements serve as inspirations for me to excel and do my best work. Neither LiLo or Speidi work as inspiring figures for anyone. They probably aren't trying to but why live such a wreck of lives and broadcast them to millions of others? Did you want our pity b/c you created your own wreck? You obviously want money and attention, but how do you love yourself for your "hard work" when you're working to also diminish what you have?

Cleft lip and palate

On a random outburst, I decided to go onto YouTube to look up cleft lip and palate. There are actually videos on there! I didn't think there would be, since I've known YT primarily for its makeup tutorials and music videos. Anyhow, those videos range from their life experiences to before and after pictures.

Being born with CLP took a major emotional toll on me. I saw videos of others who live their lives like CLP hadn't impacted them. I was totally wowed because I felt like my childhood was an emotional wreck. One particular speaker exuded so much confidence as she spoke about CLP that it took me by surprise. I wondered why I had ever given my facial deformity so  much power to take me down to a state of depression and to shut myself out of the world. WHY DID I DO THAT TO MYSELF? Appearance in that aspect seems soooooo trivial. It is absolutely important to take care of ourselves, otherwise we'd waste our once- in- a- lifetime youth BUT! to give appearance the power to bring us to a state of depression? to shut us down and not make friends? to not enjoy what the world has to offer? to not play sports? WHY must we give appearance SO MUCH POWER??? I am angry! Anger won't do me any good right now b/c I can't do anything to change the past 20 years, but I do have right now and my years ahead of me to make those friends and enjoy life's excitements. As I was browsing through the videos I realized that the severity of my CLP was not as bad as others. Mine looks pretty darn GOOD after comparing it. Having only seen four others in my life w/ CLP, I felt alienated and isolated. I didn't know there was a small community on YT, and definitely didn't know any other female going through the same path as I was. I felt so alone in it! Looking back, the random people I've seen w/ CLP weren't severe. Even then, I didn't know what severity levels existed. It's unfortunate that I have to compare it to others to realize how I look is better than OKAY, but that was how it was. Looking more asymmetric than others fool w/ your mind. It made me think that I looked pretty bad. Comparing myself to others was a bad idea. It is a completely bad idea for anyone.

Feeling pretty should really be based on how we feel about ourselves rather than how we think others see us. It's one of the most painful things to do: trying to see ourselves in others' perspectives. We hurt ourselves as we ASSume others' thoughts and critiques. We are so absolutely awful to ourselves when we do this. It's awful that we are our worst critics. Obsession w/ looking even better than others is sick, too. We can't compare ourselves to others as we are not the same. If you have an identical twin, comparing yourself to her/him is just as useless. Our creativity and minds were not created to function in unison. You will have different preferences, which will show physically through makeup and fashion. Furthermore, genetics! Nobody is an exact carbon copy! General weight, height, and body size/shape differences. Comparing ourselves to others can make us feel better after knowing we're in a more fortunate situation than them, but if the extremity of comparing ourselves to others negatively effect our self-esteem and confidence-- then let go of that! We're sometimes masochists who love to indulge in self-pity and pain. Ridiculous.

We're unique. We're different. We're each an individual. We're one of a kind. No other is like us. There's no comparison. We just need to truly appreciate ourselves and believe that how we are is blessed because tons of thousands are not as fortunate as us.

When I was much younger, I was so obsessed and involved w/ how my CLP made me look so different that I didn't look beyond it. I was never curious about others who had CLP. I've only seen FOUR in my 20 years! I didn't think there were many here! That's why CLP vloggers caught me by surprise. What I had known was God had given me a deformed face. I questioned Him so many times why it had to be me. Why he had done this to me? Talk about self-loathing, self-pity, and acting like the victim and doing nothing to fix my helplessness. I never told any of my friends my journey through CLP b/c I didn't want their pity. I didn't want them to treat me any different than they were treating their other friends, but in return, I pitied myself and treated my OWN self differently. I did not realize that until tonight. This is twisted! I am still enraged by my past actions and thoughts, but these lessons are learned.

Lesson 1: Do not, under any circumstance, compare yourself to others so you can indulge in self-loathe and pity.
Lesson 2: Each of us are more fortunate than tens of thousands others, so we must not have to compare to learn that; we must appreciate what we have.
Lesson 3: Never give your appearance any destructive power.

Working it out,
Lessons